What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 07:30
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why cant a narcissist admit when they are wrong?
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
She wouldn,t have been !
I was very sick at this time too.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My life is so biszare .
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But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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She loved him until the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I will be 64.
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ive learnt so much.
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is soul school!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .